Monday, 27 July 2015

Sebuah rasa amis dan asin menyatu dengan liurku. Aku tidak sadar telah mengigit keras bibirku, namun tidak ada sedikitpun rasa perih. Mungkin sakitnya belum dapat menyaingi rasa pedih hati. Ada peraturan baru yang kutetapkan bagi diriku sendiri. Tidak ada playlist lagu sedih, tidak ada tulisan sedih mengiba, tidak ada profile picture hitam kelabu, tidak boleh melakukan satupun kegiatan yang dapat memacu diriku tenggelam dalam lautan kesedihan. Dan ini luar biasa sulitnya sampai akhirnya kuputuskan untuk membuka blog lamaku yang tidak bertamu lagi.

God, tell us the reason why youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run 
searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

Ada saat dimana aku menulis sebuah surat panjang untuknya
Berpikir untuk memberikan kepadanya
Agar ia mengetahui aku mengingat setiap detail hubungan kami
karena itu sangat berarti bagiku.
Namun kutahu baginya semua tidak ada gunanya sama sekali.

Roma 14:15 Sebab jika engkau menyakiti hati saudaramu oleh karena sesuatu yang engkau makan, maka engkau tidak hidup lagi menurut tuntutan kasih. Janganlah engkau membinasakan saudaramu oleh karena makananmu, karena Kristus telah mati untuk dia.

Kristus telah mati bagiku saat kau menyakiti hatiku untuk makananmu, maka aku tidak mau membalas menyakiti hatimu untuk makananku. Aku pernah membaca sebuah kalimat bertuliskan "Tahukah kau, orang yang kau sakiti ini adalah orang yang dibahagiakan mati-matian oleh orangtuanya?" Dulu aku mendengus membaca kalimat ini, namun kutemukan betapa hancur hati ibuku melihat redupnya cahaya di bola mata putri kesayangannya.
Never thought thing would end up this way, and I'm not ready for this.
I know all of the things u do as clear as u know mine.
I know u know that u've hurt me. I know we both know the final decision we made.
I know u feel sorry but u can do nothing.
So maybe the last thing u can do is just disappear
Which send me to a blackhole. and seems not gentle?

Many nights I prayed, wishing God will touch your heart and there will be a future of us.
The day I've waited on these several months is when finally I'm home.
Never know things change even when i hadn't reached home.
Apparently, my times are all wasted in vain.
What actually happen? I wish u would come and explain things, but u don't.
I spend my nights by holding rosario, murmuring on each beads
Ask no wish coz I don't know what's actually my needs right now, but I keep whispering to my Daddy,
"I pray for him. All for him, all about him. I don't know what my need but I want to pray for him."
My Dad, He doesn't talk, but He shows me all facts. He know it will hurt me, but He tell me anyway.
Not like you.

So now I wish He hold your hand to open my blog and read this post:
I'm not mad at you at all. I know we can't force feeling. Love, it speaks. I don't know if u ever fall in love with me or not, but I do. U know, sometime I think the way u think, characters, etc. is too similar with mine, so I think I can understand u. But in some occasions I found out that u are more complicated than my thought. I feel so happy for these several months u gave for me, and feel so disappointed for this super bad ending. Thanks for everything, u know u are rubbish and i fvcking hate u. But I still wanna be your friend anyway :). You are a good friend, and I wish we can be a great friend. So, may we start all over again?

My last words are: If you haven't sure with your own feeling, please don't do thing that might harm others. Think from her side, consider her feeling. Don't say something too sweet when u're happy, cause she will remember it forever. If u don't know how's your feeling to someone, think like this: If you really love her, you will NEVER do things to sorry her. 
Thank you for everything, A.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Bila boleh kuulang waktu
Kuingin semua tak pernah ada.
Pernah kukatakan nikmati semua masa.
Pernah ada tawa olehmu.
Namun sulit kulakukan.
Pasir terus menembus ruang sempit.
Habis tak bersisa sekarang.
Luka sebelum sempat bahagia.
Takdir memaksaku bergerak sendiri.
Terjatuh dan berdiri sendiri.
Menyembuhkan sendiri luka.
Mungkin tidak kau sadari semua.
Namun aku tidak sekuat yang terpancar.
Ia yang menciptakan topeng ini.

"Kuinginkan cerita cinta terindah
bagaikan dalam dongeng.

Jangan pernah menyanjung cinta.
Bila tak mengerti maknanya cinta.
Satu terindah dalam dirimu
Kini ada di jiwaku."
-Melly Goeslow.

Friday, 1 May 2015

Apa yang kau rasakan terhadap seseorang,
Ia merasakan hal yang sama.
Lama terkubur perasaan.
ia tak kunjung merasakan.

Merpati menyampaikan pesan rindu.
Namun tak membawa balasan.

Bila harus kuberbagi untuk bersamamu
Kurelakan walau terasa perih.
Tegakku terasa semu.
Senyumku terkandung luka.

Pancaran lembut matamu
Belaian ringan tanganmu
Eratan kasih genggamanmu
Jangan kau habiskan untuknya

Sampai kulelah menanti
Selesailah semua duka

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Nggak terasa uda masuk tahun 2015 aja, dan sekarang bahkan uda hari ke-18 dari tahun yang baru ini. Oh time, u really have no heart deh.. Cepet banget berlalunya. :(

Many things happened during the time I didn't write. Many happiness I haven't written down, many sadness I didn't share (coz I wondering to share it or leave it by myself). But today I wanna share some.. Happiness first.

1) I'm happy I can past this study aboard life smoothly so far, coz it was so damn hard for me at the first for leaving all people and stuffs in Jakarta. I was soaking for many times on a day by no reason for almost 3 months (?), simply because I feel sad and I wanna cry. Hahahha sounds stupid ya, but I'm really not that tough. I feel so hard to past these by myself. For being all alone in a strange place, speak an alien language, study and get a dozen of thesis to do, get a reality that almost all of my classmates are expert in Chinese and I need to compete with them for the next term scholarship, manage my own money and provide all the foods, drinks, soaps, shampoo, etc., etc. ALL.BY.MYSELF. Some people might think it's not a big deal, and call it as freedom. I did, but I still prefer to be all prepared and surrounded by people I love. But time flies, finally I used to be here, aleluyaa..

2) I feel so happy to have a chance to took a visit to my hometown for a week at November. I was attending my undergraduate graduation ceremony. So happy for having a really great friends around me, and feel so glad to 7see their proud face for me. I can't describe the feeling when my lecture text me, "Sorry for not being there, but I'm watching you *send some pictures of me*. So proud of you :)" (She was watching online on Binus TV), and get the confession from my close friends, how they proud of me :). Have I ever mentioned that I never imagined for being a summa cumlaude? But I finally did it. And to be honest, I don't know it would make my friends feel proud of me too (I thought only my family will do, hahah). But I'm sure Rico would. If he could to attend and congrats it to would be great..

3) Happy to get three achievements already so far during this master degree program.

4) Feel amazed that finally I do all the cleaning stuffs: cleaning my bedroom and bathroom all-by-myself-directly-by-my-two-hands. Astajimmm.. Sounds so exaggerated yea? But my brother will know how hard it for me. I really really feel yucky to contacting with 1 centimeter thick of dust, brushing the bathroom floor and also the closet. *Well, by typing this is also make my hairs all stand*

5) Feel blessed and amazed for having a chance to working as receptionist in a cafe here. Well, actually the job was almost same with the waitress, but has a bit differences. Maybe Indonesian counted it as waitress, but people here prefer to call it as receptionist.

And some sadness... It's 391 days already he leave us. No news, no sign. All of my chats never be read by him. I can't share my happiness, silliness, galauness to him anymore. The thought annoyed me right now will left for me to solve by myself. Well, I consult with my other bestfriend, but I want to hear his opinion though :(. How've been there bro?

Last but not least, here is today's quote:
"Love.. come for no reason. is something you can’t control. When you fall in love, you just fall. Love will let you to sacrificed all things. Things u like, your time, and even your own feeling. is the only beautiful yet amazing thing remains in this mortal world.

Never say something sweet to a woman if u don't really mean it. The words u say past by will eternally carved in women's heart. If you really love a girl, u won't do something to sorry her.. "

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Abundantly blessed

Hello, long time to writee.. Many things had changed during the time I didn’t write. First at all, u should welcome a new writer for this blog, Reina Juwita, S.S. *drumrolling*

Yeah, finally I got my degree last August and proudly to say, I got the most outstanding title in my lifetime, Summa Cumlaude *cough*. Well, I’m not going to look arrogant, but I wanna say that this is one of the best achievement I’ve ever accomplished in my life. Hard work never betrays you, and I feel abundantly blessed, blessed and blessed. Moreover, I got the scholarship to China to studying master degree now, and yea, I already in China right now (this is my 5th week here), so nothing is the same anymore. My life has totally changed and that what I wanna share with u now.
Yea, I'm in China

Many things happen and nothing is eternal. The person that u think u would spent the whole life with will go away, maybe only in a particular time, maybe forever. Therefore I have a very favorite quote,
“Don’t promise me forever. Just love me day by day. No one knows the future. We’re young.”
Laugh a lot, love as much as, live every second of ur life
I’d never thought that I would go to other country to study abroad. I like to dream a-novel-life-story about having study abroad, get a cute neighbor, and find a true love. Lol. But this is the real life *step back to the earth, sigh*. I will tell u a concise story and though of my mind..

Summa cumlaude. I’d never heard this word before. It was 2010, the first semester I stepped in Binus (my university), and I was with Rico in Megastore (a merchandise store in Anggrek campus) looked at a pin that written something about Summa Cumlaude. Then I asked him, “What is the meaning of this word?“. He told me, “It means the best graduated student”.

To be honest, I've never wished that I would get this title. But say the truth, it is NOT hard, but it’s not easy. Some people think I freak of good score, the only aim I wanna reach is the A score, but I’m not. I just luckily got the good score in several first semester, and it makes me think it is a must for me to get this score. Moreover my parents were starting to talk a lot about summa cumlaude and the golden ring (summa cumlaude student will get a golden ring on the graduation day, yeah it is so prestigious). Since that, I was starting to push myself to get this prestigious title. I feel so blessed and proud to gain this result of 4 years of hard works, stresses, tears, exhausted, etc. etc.
My thesis partner and I after passed the thesis defense awesomely, Lol
 "Don't judge people. You never know what kind of battle they are fighting."
Back to this time, I’m in Guangzhou right now, studying my master degree. I get a scholarship for this, but don’t ask me why I choose Guangzhou. I don’t know either and regret it sometime. But I believe everything happens for a reason, that’s why I’m in Guangzhou right now. I failed to move on from Shanghai. I'm always comparing Guangzhou and Shanghai, and regret why I don’t choose to study in Shanghai instead. But my new life has begun. I feel happy to have this chance. This will change my whole life..
Me and my classmate
My 22th years old was celebrated in Guangzhou
Guangzhou life
The thing I like the most of living here is the privacy. No one care and nosy with u. It is OKAY to walking by feet to everywhere (Indonesian people likes to drive car everywhere, even for the very near places). It is OKAY to eating by yourself in the canteen or restaurant. It is OKAY to study hard. Hahaha, do u think my last sentence is weird? Sadly to say, u must to admit that Indonesian people are lazy, and they are PROUD of being lazy, hahaha. We really need to study a lot from Chinese people. They have a speechless spirit of study. I can find almost all Chinese reading a different thick book (a lesson book, not novel or comic) every week, spend a lot of time in library, study for a several hours without any break, and they even have a make up class on Sunday! Their spirit of studying and working are really make me feel ashamed. :")
Me and Mom
The awesome night view from the balcony of my dorm

Night view of Guangzhou
And I just find out my introvert part here. There’s a time when I wanna to walk alone, having a meal alone, jogging alone. And it’s so interesting to do these activities alone and no one look at u with the strange or poor sight. Ya, I just noticed a weird character of Indonesian people, they can't to live alone. My Chinese lecture ever felt so weird when looking a group of Indonesian students go to the toilet together. He asked us, "Why u guys inviting people while going to toilet?" and one of my friend simply replied, "It's a habit of Indonesian", Lol. And it's really happen, because whenever my Indonesian friend see me go to somewhere by myself, they like to ask me curiously, "Why u go alone? Where is your other friends?"
New friends
At 大学城

At all, I feel abundantly blessed for these 2 months that changed my life so big. Guangzhou, let surprise me everyday and make me love u more that Shanghai did. :D
YOLO - You Only Live Once

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Another mellow post maybe? I force myself to never show others about my feeling except happiness. But I'm not that kind of strong peoplee.. So, here is my diary on cloudy Tuesday..

I'd dreamed my best friend these two days.. There, I was holding his hand whenever and wherever we went just simply because I was too afraid of losing him, however I am. Tbt, I've only dreamed him 3 times since the day he gone. So these two days are great since I can finally meet him and doing stuff together. I miss him so much.

I was on my way to my office and heard an ambulance sirens. My tears came out as sudden as the sirens came.
I was searching a contact begins with his initial, and my eyes stop on his name.
I was passing a restaurant we'd ever mentioned to try but we never, and I just pause for a while.
I was online on facebook and occasionally saw his name on my forever-offline friend list. 

I can never really understand why he go this fast. From all the friends I have, why must him. For a century of my lifetime, why should now. There're some moments I keep asking myself why-should and how-if questions. The truth that all of my chats' notifications will never changed to be read is just....hurt. You will never understand my feeling, but for a thousand times I said, I miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him, miss him. He is so nice and I miss him. He is the only friend who didn't ashamed told others including his girlfriend, that the only congratulation he'd been waiting for the whole day was mine, and I miss him. He is the one who always trusts that I'm strong and I can always pass the storm in my life and I miss him. He is he is he is whatever anything bout him, I miss him. 

That are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collections of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. I want more numbers for him than he got. --(edited) Fault in Our Stars, pg. 260

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Unity in Diversity

Hay, it's been a long time since the last post ya. Recently I re-read my old post and I just found out I still haven't finished my Shanghai post. Lol.. Will update it soon maybe. The last post of Shanghai was on 2013 btw, lols. Well, today I just suddenly feeling in mood in writing and I have several topics on my mind right now, but since it's 10 pm now and I should have a task to do tomorrow morning, I decide to just write down one post on today. 

Today's post is about unity in diversity. I had a lesson discussed about this topic on my first year in university, and I didn't feel something special on this topic. People says we should experience first to get the feeling, so do I. Last week when I went home from my office by public transportation, there was something a bit irritating happened. I went home by KWK (the red small car, not the big bus). Since it is a small car, there's no buskers or beggars there. So I just sat there on my way home as usual and the traffic lights was red. Suddenly a mid-age man came in and sat there. When I recognized him as a beggars, I though he just want to sang any song or begged, but what he was doing was sat there and was talking (I forget what the exact he said, but he said something like..), "Please give me a money. I'm here is just begging, at least I don't do any criminality. You are Chinese don't only know how to colonize Indonesia. U stay here, and it's not your country." Then when finally only one people who gave him money, he went out from the car after mumbling that Chinese are stingy and something I didn't hear too clear. 

Well, I felt nothing on the moment actually, because it wasn't my first time listened something like that. But his words was just repeating on my mind and I felt a bit mad. Coincidentally all of the passengers are Chinese and there were only 2 Indonesian. Maybe that's why the man said something irritating to us. But he really doesn't have any right to blaming at us and says that stupid words.

I don't know what happened in the past between Indonesian and Chinese. I just know Chinese were being persecuted on 1998. The motive of doing these cruelty I also have no idea. But it just the past. I know we all (both Indonesian and Chinese) are still do some discrimination. But here we are, we both are just one package. We live together for century, together built this country be better. No us (Chinese), I don't know what happen to Indonesia actually. And they just do racism to Chinese! However Portuguese, Dutchman, Japanese colonized Indonesia longer than China (hey, had China colonized Indonesia, btw? I didn't study the history well), and they ADORE these Japanese, Portuguese, bla bla bla-man. Wtf! 

Beside all, I remember one thing that very memorable during my summer course to Shanghai. As I told on my previous posts, I met with new friends from all countries. We spent time together, having lunch and dinner together, traveling the city till night, playing together. Our group was consist by Indonesian, Spaniard, Korean, African, and Chinese. We come from all different countries with all different cultures and languages. Once, we all were on the MRT, and we're talking and joking very fun. I saw other local people were watching at us curiously, and we didn't care. We were really enjoying our time, and all the differences are not a matter at all.

Surprisingly, we even played the same childhood game! I can't describe the game because it has no name. But I always thinking only Indonesian who know these games, but they DO know and we played it together, recalling the best time of our childhood memories, and if u want to know how was I feel, i felt VERY AMAZING. For sure, I stopped and looked around all my new friends, seeing they were laughing, telling a silly jokes, spending quality times, didn't care with all differences lie between us, it so PRICELESS.
Trying to have we-fie without any narcissistic stick

We can blending and mingled with all people we just met. Why Indonesian and Chinese who had already lived together for years still can't get this unity in diversity spirit? I'm looking for this happen yah. :)